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Monday, August 10, 2015

Scotland May 2015

Scotland May 2015

14/5 Tulloch Moor near Loch Garten.

Wonderful light. Bog cotton, heather still dark and grey from winter. Bright green new leaves of birch. Roe deer, black mountains with patches of white. Loch looking white in the distance. One roe deer not too worried by me.

15/5 Tulloch moor again:



7:00 Cuckoo mobbed by small birds. Herd of deer - tried to stalk them upwind but they knew I was there and moved off. Curlew flew in calling. First time I'd heard that call in many years. Tried to stalk it but no sign - must be nesting. No grouse to see. Red and green moss. Wood ants nest.


16/5 Lochindorb


Gulls roosting on the moor. Mountain hare. Amazing views of ruined castle in the lake - rain and sun.
Black Throated diver - good view through telescope. Proper birdwatcher now! Bitterly cold. Rain and sleet showers but then sun - wonderful light.

Osprey flying over in sunshine. Walked up track to little sheltered valley. New farm owner putting in new fences etc. Different climate. Woodcock twice. Partridges? Where is the Osprey nest?

What is so different here is that the species we see in the winter in Wales and England are nesting here: divers, woodcock, widgeon, goldeneye, curlew etc.
                                                
All sorts of emotions about this trip. What makes it for me is the special moments - times when my life is lifted out of the ordinary: yesterday when the rain set in and I parked up, put the heating on, put my feet up and read an inspiring book: ‘Gathering Light’ by Jennifer Donnelly. Then in the evening, back to the pull-in at Tulloch moor where I had walked in the afternoon. I watched a DVD about a journey - the modern pilgrimage to Compostella - perfect. Then this morning up at 4:30, before the alarm as usual. The "Caper Watch" was disappointing - no sign of any Capercaillie, but one quick sighting of a flying Osprey. Heating on again for breakfast, then a longer walk on Tulloch moor - roe deer, a weasel, curlew (see above), some great pictures with cloud and sun.

16/5 Geddes

Military road to Dulcie Bridge - several Wade bridges. Dulcie Bridge quite special.

No word from Sasha at Cougie, so stayed in a Caravan Club Certified Locaction - £10 inc elec, so heated up water and had a shower.


17/5Cougie


The satnav bit was easy enough. It took me as far as a place called "Cougie Lodge". It didn't look right. It wasn't. When I got to what it called "my destination" I was still on a metalled road and there were a few normal looking cottages. There was also, fortunately, a sign saying "Pony trekking, Cougie" with an arrow pointing to a rough track. That looked more like it. The track started bad and got worse. It was full of potholes: the van could barely reach 15 mph and it went on and on and on, but all roads lead somewhere and this track was leading me through a landscape that looked less and less man-made with every slow mile. The rain came in and lashed the van, tore down the valley and then disappeared as quickly as it had come.



I'd heard so much about this place: from Steve in our many conversations over a pint in the Neuadd, and from the TV documentary "Power to the Pococks". Sasha was a star in that film, but she had not replied to my messages and I didn't really know what sort of welcome I would get. Iain had said fine when I first asked about a visit, and Sasha had sent two thumbs up signs in reply to my facebook message, but I had no phone number, so I just had to hope someone would be there and I could pitch up the camper for a couple of days. I knew Iain was away because he was with Steve on a lads party in Prague for one of the nephews.

The track got no worse; the sun came out and there at last was a big clearing in the forest with what looked like a rough and ready hamlet - all sorts of buildings with signs saying "Camping", "Pony Trekking", "Self Catering", rows of stones marking the tracks. It's beautiful. The houses look home-made but sturdy. There is a fast flowing river, small fields with ponies and all around is the wilderness - rough pine forests and bare mountains, some with patches of snow. It reminded me so strongly of my first experience of country like this - in Canada. That was an experience which had shaped my life ever since. It had given me an abiding love of the sort of landscape where mankind is no more than one of the players; on a level with the beavers, the scrub, the trees and all the rest of nature. In this place the balance has shifted back. The commercial forestry has been felled. The stumps are still there, covered in moss, but the natural forest - birch and pine - is slowly reclaiming the land. Not any old pine though, this is the noble Scots pine, one of our most magnificent native trees. It grows slowly - doesn't make enough profit for the foresters, so the true ancient Caeldonian pine forest is almost gone.

I have just spent 2 days in the largest remaining fragment - Abernethy in the Cairngorms. It felt like being in the restored fragment of ebony forest I saw in Mauritius. Most of the island of Mauritius is a brash tropical supermarket of trees, vines, shrubs, cats, birds, monkeys - all from somewhere else. With hybrid vigour they grab any unprotected land and move in. To save the ebony you have to keep them all out with fences and traps. You go through a locked gate, the aliens swarming behind you, and you are in the cathedral splendour of the native ebony trees. You know instantly that this is what forest should look like.

It's the same in Scotland. The harsh dense stands of alien conifers give way to spaced out shapely trees, bark like the skin of some ancient scaly reptile, rough brown and red, glowing in the light filtering through the dark green needles. It's not just that native forest looks good, it also supports far more species. It is a richer landscape in every sense - except the narrow one of profit, money. Alien species make more money.

Intending to be out for hours, I walked up the track beside where I have pitched the van. It follows the river up a valley through this captivating landscape until suddenly nature stops and the desolation of a recently felled forest begins. The track became a river within a bog and I had to turn back. I saw Wheatear, seeming to be more green and yellow than the familiar brown and black. Perhaps they are a Scottish race, like the hoodies which are an alternative race of Carrion Crow. I saw one of them too, and a buzzard, the sort of wonderful bird which we call "nothing special". It was the wrong track anyway. Tomorrow I will take the other one which leads to a small remote loch. Perhaps there will be divers there.

(Long walk next day – saw eagle twice.)



20 – 24/5 Orkney

(Written later)
Sometimes sunny, sometimes wet, always windy and always cold, Orkney was a challenge on several fronts. I was staying initially with a distant relation by marriage who I didn’t know very well. Ben is the husband of my second cousin Victoria. He is tall, a serious, attractive and highly intelligent man with, unfortunately for me, a soft voice and quiet disposition but a wry sense of humour. I had to keep asking him to repeat things which is embarrassing and because he doesn’t necessarily speak unless he something to say, I tended to speak too much and further embarrass myself. He, like Vicky, is a catholic convert and (unlike her) had once been a monk. With his wife on course for a high flying career in medieval studies, he has adopted the house-husband role and works part time at a historic house and part time as an independent scholar. Vicky was away teaching in Iona when I arrived and Ben had plenty to do looking after their bright, lively daughter Stella, whose bedroom I had usurped for the 4 days. By the end of my stay I felt we had established a good rapport, but Ben remains something of an enigma. I hope they didn’t find me too difficult.

Luckily my first day was sunny, and with Ben at work until 4 I had 5 hours to cycle the 16 miles from Stromness to Evie. It was bright, but with a biting cold wind. Assuming I would find a nice warm café for lunch, I set off with just an apple, some water and a chocolate bar I had bought at what turned out to be the only shop on the route, and the only place selling food of any kind. I don’t have the muscles for serious cycling and soon found I was carrying far too much weight. It was hard, and a lunch break of water and one precious sweet bar was not enough to set me up well for the second leg so I finally got to Springfield Cottage pretty much exhausted.
It felt wonderful to be in a bright warm space, well used but not cluttered, with everywhere nice decorative touches. Before Ben arrived I lay down in the garden enjoying the sunshine.
That was a pattern for my stay: abrupt changes of mood – an intense challenge followed by sunshine, beauty and joy: a cold wet and miserable visit to the sensational Neolithic village at Scarra Brae followed by the welcome of the gorgeous Skaill House and a gourmet lunch in the visitor centre; cycling in bright sunshine but a 45mph gale; a cold grey early morning with close views of friendly eider ducks and then an amazing iron age “broch” or fortified village.
The past in Orkney is not ‘heritage’, it is woven into the fabric of the place. The dialect is more Norse than Scottish, and you feel the Vikings are never far away. The great stone circles and the excavated 3000 year old houses are part of a continuity of settlement enabled not by roads or airports but by the sea.


My last day was all good. Vicky was back and the conversation flowed. I rode up to a windfarm where a new luxurious RSPB hide looks over a loch with breeding red-throated divers and a hunting male hen harrier. Then I put on my one smart shirt and best pullover for a family lunch in Stromness which I managed to persuade them to let me pay for. After this we went to a big airy theatre in a school for a slapstick family concert as part of the Orkney Folk Festival. On the way back Ben drove me to another stunning RSPB hide in the moors, but no birds then.
Long straight roads with no traffic; wide open spaces chased by cloud shadow, and everywhere the sea; there is no doubt that the Orkney main island is a special place. But it’s not human activity that has made it special for me – almost the opposite: it is a place where the people have had to live with nature, rather than try to dominate it. There is a vibrant community life with a university and several theatres serving a population of 20,000. The climate is unforgiving: spring felt like winter - a month later than Wales. Summers are cool, but winters are often frost-free. The wind stops the trees from growing, cropping them off like some giant grazing animal.
Rather than every square metre of land being under pressure for food production, huge areas are left as open moorland and many of the fields are unsprayed and unfertile – wonderful for the grey lag geese you see everywhere. The land is dotted with ugly cement rendered farms and wind-turbines dominate the hill tops, but nature still has things her own way here and the bird life is astonishing: iconic species like divers, harriers and eider ducks flourish.

26/5 Sandaig

the pilgrim
A day of pilgrimage, of special places, and being the only one there. The special places I had to see on this trip were: Loch Garten and the Abernethy forest, the Flow Country of Sutherland, the Orkney main island, Loch Torridon, and this, the last of them: Sandaig, known all over the world as "Camusfearna" the house by the sea where Gavin Maxwell wrote "Ring of Bright Water". I had a hard time finding it. First off I misremembered the map and drove for miles looking for a little group of houses round a bay, not realising that I had passed it within a mile of Glenelg. Then I was looking for a path through forestry, but the forest had been felled. In the end I was glad because I got to see the village at the end of the road – Arnisdale, with deer strolling up the high street. Eventually I found the footpath marked on the map, but there was no sign and the path was very obscure. When it became a matter of hopping from one rock to another over the river I did wonder if I was in the wrong place, but it then joined up with a forestry path and a brisk walk brought me to the first view of a place which had been in my head since Natalie painted a picture of it on the kitchen wall of our little house in Pewsey - early seventies? 


How easy to be disappointed - so many things could have changed for the worse, like another magical memory of an old house by the sea in Wales - now a caravan park. Sandaig however did not disappoint. It was wonderful. Towards the end of his time there, in the 60s Maxwell over-developed the place with more buildings, power lines, roads. Now they have all gone. A few fallen telegraph poles show where the power lines used to be. The road in is now a path. The house has gone, and nature has come back: a shingle beach with ringed plovers nesting, a rough grass foreshore with at its centre a stone marking the place where the house had been and where Maxwell's ashes lie. There is an old boarded up cottage, a waterfall in the trees, and out towards the water a little string of islands placed there just to look right. It was a grey day with some drizzle but from time to time the sun came out to show just how special this place is.

I was alone, but I could see footprints, and other pilgrims had left shells and stones round the two memorials - one to Gavin and one to his famous otter Edal. On the way back I found the forest track I should have taken - a proper bridge and easy walking. So easy I met a family group from Birmingham carrying a picnic. They come every year apparently.

It still felt special though. I can't wait to re-read the books.

As usual I had made an early start so it was barely mid-day when I got back to another magical place:
Glenelg.

To kill a little time and absorb a bit more of the place I had a pint of local IPA in the Glenelg Inn where a roaring log fire was burning - in late May. Lunch in the van - packet soup and sliced brown bread - and a snooze had me ready for more low-key adventure: a trip on the little five-car ferry to Skye. This too was special - the last of the locally invented turntable ferries now community owned. It's £15 for a car but £3 for a foot passenger so I left the van in the little car park and took the bike over. There is not much to see the other side except the view of this side, but there is a permanent wildlife hide and, looking very new, a temporary hide with an RSPB pro in attendance. I stayed there for an hour chatting about birds and animals and searching for an otter or a diver or an eagle. There were three divers but so far off we could not clearly identify them. The bird man said most of the divers there are Great Northern - the one I hadn't seen yet. He also told me that the best time to see a sea eagle would be next morning around 9 as the tide comes in. As I cycled along a rough track to the permanent hide my itinerary got changed. I would have to set off for the long drive south a bit later. At the main hide I enjoyed a conversation with another bird man, this time a part-timer with a London accent who had recently moved to the area after years visiting. He was about my age and also travelled round in a camper.

I explored a bit further on the bike and then took the ferry back. "How far did ye get?" said one of the ferry men. As far as I wanted and more.


27/5 Glenelg Ferry 

What he has learnt, this restless person, is that you will never understand the natural world by walking through it. Walking you catch glimpses - a deer sticks its head up, worried, then bounds away; a bird flies towards you but changes course. Even the butterflies flap their way onwards, never resting for long when you are there. It's only when you stay in the same place for some time - half an hour, an hour or more - that you slowly become aware of the patterns of behaviour going on all around you but unseen unless you are still.

The man at the hide had told him to look for a pattern: the incoming tide brings in the fish, the gulls collect above the shoal, snatching what they can. The sea eagle sees the gulls and flies in for his due as the top predator. The next low tide is around 8 am so the eagle might appear in the following hour or more. He had intended to do an early spell of driving - from 6 to 8 - then have breakfast a hundred miles south. The chance was slim, but it was a chance, so there he was at the little ferry station at Glenelg just over the water from Skye and the rain was drifting in, soft and steady. He got the van parked in the little car park - empty until the first ferry - with the open side door overlooking the sound. He set up the telescope and got the camera ready, and began his wait, moving from side to side to scan the water with the binoculars. The rain held sway, a trio of cormorants flew past, the rain eased a little and he looked around outside. Not for long, the next drift came in and he retreated to the van. Time passed.

Ah - a large white bird is flying round above the water. It has black wingtips so probably a Gannet, but he gets a few good shots and sees the bird on the screen with wingtips raised and feathered. Surely Gannets don't fly like that? They are so sleek. Could it be a Hen Harrier? Surely not above water. It is gone and the pictures are enigmatic. But it's all about patterns of behaviour and in due course it comes back. More pictures but still no final proof of Gannet-hood. It is gone, but there is a black dot on the water. The binoculars show it to be a seal, and there is another, and another. He had seen that there were many seals here the previous afternoon, so while interesting, they are not exciting.

There is another black shape and the bins show this to be a bird with a pointy head - it's a diver, but which one? The man at the hide had said that the Great Northern were the most frequent here. Does it have a black head? Yes! White streaks on the back? Yes! That's a great moment: the first sighting of a Great Northern Diver in Britain, and in its natural breeding environment.

The white bird is back and this time it is definitely a Gannet: not rare, but a first for the camera and a charismatic bird after all. Two dark birds with long wings are flying just above the water. They look like gulls or even falcons, but there are no dark gulls and they are too big to be peregrines. Not cormorants or divers, the wing beats are too slow. They can only be immature greater black-back gulls surely? They would look dark in a bad light.

It's 8.45 and time to set off on the long drive to Lancashire. No eagle, but some good field-craft learnt and the gannet and diver justified the time and the cold hands and feet.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

The trials of authorship

It's August, six months since "The Vandervelde Documents" was published, and I am now fairly sure that the only one of my objectives it will achieve is that of having a book published. I always knew it would be hard to sell a decent number of copies, and I accepted that I would have to do most of the work myself, but I did anticipate some help from the publisher. So far I haven't yet heard of a single copy sold through their agency.

I can cope with constructive criticism, but I find it very hard to deal with indifference. Although I'm hungry for approval, I do not at all like promoting myself. It feels undignified. Dignity? I don't feel like a proud person. I can very quickly go from being proud of some achievement - the garden for instance - to feeling ashamed of it. I'm not ashamed of the 'Documents' but I can see all its faults, and would much rather set it aside and move on to a new project.

A month ago I set myself the task of writing a thriller with a very complicated and difficult plot line. The idea was to start the book in the middle and then work back to that point again from the future and from the past. Writing on a reverse time line has been done, but I only know one example - Time's Arrow by Martin Amis. This revolutionary structure would, I felt, make it conspicuous. If I could get it published by a 'proper' publisher it would also stimulate sales of the 'Documents' because it would be set in the same near future world.

I had got about a quarter of the way through this project when I was swamped by feelings of inadequacy. It was not working. I could not do this thing. I changed the format, did some sample chapters, changed the format again. Now it was making me tense and my particular brand of nervous tension is a project killer. Once something, some feeling of inadequacy, becomes a trigger for it I cannot escape. It strikes suddenly and lasts a long time. Migraine sufferers may know this mechanism, but I've never had a migraine so I don't know, and I certainly don't want to find out. The crawling sensation I get in my stomach is very unpleasant but I can still function. It spoils a day or two, but it's not disabling.

It is, though, something I am afraid of, and it is this fear which constructs a feed-back loop. If a certain activity - in this case writing - sets it off then I am afraid of the process of writing. At that stage even thinking about it becomes a trigger. For a week I tried, with the aid of beta-blockers alcohol and pain killers, to work through it. Teeth clenched I wrote and organised and wrote again, but it just got worse so 2 weeks ago I stopped. I had given in to one of my demons and I was ashamed.

Now I've had a holiday from writing and have begun again. I have written up my illustrated diary which has garnered some very favourable comments from the few facebook friends who have read it. Now, though, I have to bite the bullet and decide how to share it on the web. I have 4 blogs, most of them neglected. I have a facebook page for the Documents which has been neglected since April when I found that paying for it to be promoted had no effect whatsoever except to introduce me to a number of young ladies in far away countries who for some reason wanted to 'like' my page. I could simply post the diary entries on facebook, but I couldn't then insert the pictures in context.

I have decided to revive this blog. The early morning are even more important to me now that I have focussed on travelling alone to seek out the natural word. After mid-morning I usually have to share it. Even quite early there may be a few other dedicated souls around, but this space is big enough for the like - minded to enjoy each others' company. What I can't stand is anything that begins to look like a uniform. There are too many of us old men going around nature reserves in camouflage clothing weighed down with a mass of gear - the big telescopes and tripods, the huge zoom lenses and the expensive binoculars. "Look", I want to say, "I'm not like those people." But of course I am. I have the camo jacket (by favourite jacket, bought from Tesco for £15) I even have two camo caps. Now I have the 'scope' and the tripod. I started with just two gadgets: a super-zoom compact camera and compact 25 x 8 binoculars. I saw lots of lovely creatures and landscapes and took lots of amazingly sharp pictures, but in low light and at full zoom all I could get was a blurred dirty looking picture: enough to identify but with no artistic merit. I still use both, but now have a big super-zoom 'bridge' camera, a pair of 40 x 10 binoculars and an 80mm telescope. I have several books on wildlife photography and it seems all the pros use very expensive Canon cameras and lenses. Before I even consider this I am determined to get the most out of the two cameras and the telescope, and this is partly what I will be exploring in this diary.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

OMG what have I done?

 

OMG! What have I done?! (I know it's a bit of a stretch, but try to think of me as an eager teenager.)

 I've committed myself! I can't  go back now! I've thrown myself into the arms of the all-powerful, but deeply flawed, the wonderful but horribly  irritating, that great power that rules the lives of half mankind, (and a fair proportion of womankind as well), the one we love to hate. No not God, but near enough. It's Microsoft of course!


 'Ah,' you say,'most of us do Windows, but we can take it or leave it - we're on the tablets now.' True, but I have gone two stages further. I've committed to the uber-flawed Windows 8, and to that strange new beast the' Surface'. Why on earth is it called 'surface', and why in the name of some other all-powerful being is it controlled by things called 'charms'? We mere mortals can only guess at what goes through the minds of those precocious infants at MS headquarters.


This is what I am doing:

I have raided the kids inheritance and bought the not-yet-released-in-Britain 'Surface Pro 3'. Look it up - it does everything and does it well. It will be my only computer.

 

Next I'm abandoning what we now have to call 'Office Outlook'. We  have to call it that because in an act of deep perversity MS have decided to call their new email and general organiser 'Outlook.com'. As if that weren't confusing enough there are two of them: the app 'Outlook.com' and the online version, also called 'Outlook.com'. The 'old' Office Outlook does not sync with Outlook.com, and it is quite difficult to get the data from 'Outlook' into 'Outlook.com'.


Just to complete the picture, I'm also committed to the wonderful 'OneNote'. It's a great piece of software, but things were getting too clear and organised for the MS geeks. They had to introduce some chaos, so along comes 'OneNote'. No, it's not the same. This is the free mobile app called 'OneNote' and (you've guessed it) it doesn't integrate with 'Office OneNote'. (I've kept the bits of hair I tore out some weeks ago. Let's face it I might need them.) 


It gets worse: Windows 8 has a' Mail' app which looks exactly like 'Outlook.com' but behaves slightly differently. So, either the geeks have emigrated to the other version of Planet California, (the one with the same name as the earthly one) or this is part of a long term plan to change the nature of the Microsoft environment. I believe they are eventually going to either sell 2 different  systems, or abandon the old complicated desktop set-up in favour of the new 'Metro' environment. If what we end up with is an attractive and functional operating system which keeps a highly efficient business environment, and at the same time keeps us entertained and in touch, then perhaps it will all have been worth it.


I don't know where this road is going to lead me. I know I will face total exasperation at many points in the journey, but I really think that what those MS geeks are trying to achieve is worth committing to. So there.

 

 

 

Saturday, April 26, 2014

A Cautionary Tale

This for anyone writing a book. The main reason I have written so little here lately is that for the last 2 years I have been working on a "future fiction" project. It looks at several different ways in which the next 80 odd years might pan out. All of them involve a major decrease in human numbers. It's by no means all doom and gloom though. One of the possibilities is a catastrophic event which reduces the population by a third and leaves the survivors with a surplus of materials but a shortage of skills. These are good conditions to recreate a more sustainable society. 

The book began life as a series of fictitious documents strung together as the journals of an ageless figure who lives right through the century. However, more characters made their appearance and I found myself being drawn into their worlds, filling in the details and making them more real. In the process I began to be aware of all the problems of writing readable fiction. The book is now in three parts, 100,000 words and still growing,  and I am determined to teach myself how to write a big story covering several generations. I'm now on what I think is my fourth major re-write, but after the previous one I decided to try some agents and publishers. I sent the usual sample material to half a dozen agents and one or two publishers. 

As the first of the rejection notes began to arrive I was surprised to have a friendly email from "Pegasus Publishers" asking me to send the whole typescript when it was finished. Well, this was good news. I was off the slush pile and in with a chance. Of course I wasn't born yesterday (or even the day before) so I checked them out. The website looked OK: http://www.pegasuspublishers.com/ Next I did a search on "are Pegasus vanity publishers?" One answer said yes they were, but another said the opposite and led to this: http://www.pegasusbooks.net/about-us/frequently-asked-questions/  It was quite clear that they were genuine. Unfortunately I saw what I wanted to see and didn't scroll down far enough. If I had I would have seen this:We are in no way affiliated with Pegasus Publishing out of Cambridge, England.

So I was happy to have achieved "the final selection process which takes about 4 weeks", and didn't mind waiting. I noted the date in my diary and when I had not heard anything after exactly 4 weeks send a short note asking if they had any news for me. There was no reply, but 2 days later a large package arrived from Pegasus with two copies of a contract to publish! This seemed too easy - how had I, who had never written a book before, managed to get a publishing contract so quickly? Then I saw clause 15: "author's contribution to costs: £2500".  At first, to my shame, I thought, "well, perhaps it is worth it if the book is marketed well." Then I did a bit more research on self-publishing and realised that Pegasus were not committing themselves to any print run and that you can get a few hundred copies of any normal sized book printed for less than £1000. At last the awful truth sank in: they had not read my typescript. Why should they bother when all their costs and profits were met out of the so-called "author's contribution"? The 4 week wait was just part of the scam. They probably know that many of us old 'uns have savings so could probably afford to lay out 2.5k to see their book in print. 

I wrote a fairly polite reply declining their offer and telling them what I suspected. The reply from them was equally polite: a brief "thank you for letting us know and we wish you luck with your project"  -  a clear admission that it was a totally cynical way of making money out of gullible people. I was not to downhearted. I had suppressed my initial suspicions because I wanted their interest to be genuine, but I had used the time to do a lot more writing. I enjoy it, I'm still learning and I'm more than ever determined to produce something which will be fun to read but will also stand as my contribution to the debate on how to deal with global warming. If I can't get a proper publishing deal then I shall issue it as an ebook.  

Thursday, February 6, 2014

After Cataracts: 20/15 vision

The coda to this story is the second operation a week later.

Now I knew what to expect I was really looking forward to it. Everything went smoothly as before until I got back to Hannah's house in the early evening. While the dressing was on I had no trouble seeing everything with my one treated eye which had now settled down and felt completely normal.

Then at 7 I had to take the dressing off to do the first lot of drops. It was a nasty shock. I was seeing double and the left eye was clouded.

It was Megan, my grand-daughter's fifteenth birthday and Hannah had planned a meal out in Pieminister - a down-to-earth restaurant in Stokes Croft specialising in pies. It was a difficult evening in a noisy environment feeling quite anxious about the operation. Still, the food was good and I managed to talk to Danny, Megan's dad.

When we got back I took the dressing off again and POW - there was the world in high definition 3D as clear as a bell. We had a follow up appointment at Optical Express at 8.30 next morning. We had to wait a few minutes for Guy the optometrist who lives in Cardiff and had got delayed in traffic held up by the dreadful weather. He did the standard eye tests and announced that I had 20/15 vision in both eyes - one better than the benchmark 20/20 vision.

Ever since then I've eagerly drinking in all the detail in my surroundings - even in near constant rain, everything looked great, and when some patches of sunlight lit up parts of the Usk valley on the way home I was enraptured.

How beautiful the world is. Why do we have to mess it up so much?

Friday, January 31, 2014

Cataract update

At least with private medicine you don't have to wait.
Oh yes? Think again.  Thelma did the phone calls,  first contacting the private hospital outside Carmarthen in mid December. Then the surgeon went on holiday and they couldn't find my notes. Eventually in the first week of January we got some sense out of them. "Ah yes Mr. Turner, Mr. Jones has a spot free in mid February. He's very popular you know."

Clearly not only was the NHS in a bad state in Wales but there had been a knock on effect on the private providers. Feeling a bit like a traitor to my adopted country I started looking for clinics in England and a google search threw up Optical Express in Bristol. As I was looking at their details a pop-up screen appeared: "How can I help you?" Within twenty minutes of typed exchanges I had a rough price and understood their way of working which necessitated a free consultation as the first step.
"OK, I'll go for that, when can you see me?"
I waited about half a minute for the reply
"We have a space tomorrow"
"Thel - can we go to Bristol tomorrow?" "Yes"
"Yes, we'll be there."
They even had a surgery spot available four days later. The consultation was very thorough, and they offered to do both eyes, one a week after the other, for £3000. This was a saving of £1000 on the individual eye cost and cheaper than most I had looked at so I agreed. However, when they found I was taking flomax tablets to mitigate the effects of an enlarged prostate they said I would have stop taking them now and wait for 2 weeks before they could do the first operation.

To help the time pass I worked away at the panelling, fitted desk and fitted bookcase I was making for our small study room. It was hard going trying to read measurements with the tiny strip of relatively clear vision I could get at the very top of my spectacles. I kept away from other people as much as possible to reduce the risk of getting a cold. Two days before the op I had to start with a regime of eye drops to keep the eye as healthy as possible. I had a sore throat which worried me.

At last the day before the op arrived. The sore throat was still there but no signs of a cold so we set off in the afternoon to stay at Hannah's place for two nights. The first operation was at 9.30 in the morning and we got there far too early. It was a cold day and the clinic was barely warm enough as I waited between a series of tests and brief chats with the optometrist, the surgeon, the nurse and the anaesthetist. At least the sore throat seemed to have gone.

Just get me that pre-op tranquilizer please! At last I was on the trolley with a drip in my arm and all became peaceful and still. Anaesthetic drops were put in my eye and a cover was put over me and stuck to the face. I felt hands moving around my face, various dim lights, a buzzing noise and something wet tricking down my face. After about ten minutes the cover was stripped off and a dressing applied. I was taken back to the chair I had been sitting in a few minutes before and offered a cup of tea and a biscuit, both of which were very welcome.

Somewhat unsteadily I walked with Thelma back to the car and when we got to Hannah's took a painkiller and went to bed.

I had my first glimpse of the new world when the dressing was taken off briefly to apply eye drops later that afternoon.  There in front of me was Hannah's little painted dresser looking indescribably beautiful - clear rich colours, pale blue and red, and fine detail; brass handles which shone - an image which I knew would stay with me. Then the dressing went back and I had to struggle through the evening with just the one bad eye.

I went to bed early and managed to sleep until a reasonable hour when I finally got to the pay-off moment - the dressing came off and stayed off.

We are warned that it usually takes a few days for the eye to adjust so I was not expecting the astonishing vista which was laid out before me. It was as if what I was looking at was an old painting which had just been cleaned. All the dirty varnish had been removed and there was the original in all its sparkling colours - colours so rich and vibrant that I could not believe I had seen them like this before. Houses, ordinary streets, small back gardens, rain, dark clouds, black wet streets - they all looked wonderful.

As we were driving home I experimented with closing one eye and then the other. By some extraordinary bit of brain magic the left eye, which was almost completely clouded, could provide a semblance of stereoscopic vision when both eyes were open, and the clouding was just a faint shadow. I kept gazing round in wonder - a seagull flying overhead, distant hills, people's faces inside cars.

The only downside was that everyone, including me, looked older; with every wrinkle and blemish clearly visible.


Sunday, January 19, 2014

The Year of the Cataracts

A year of cataracts! I sounds like a sort of apocalyptic weather forecast.

If all goes well it will soon be over, but both metaphorically and actually I will see things with different eyes. I hope I will look back on this period as one of learning. The steady decline in my hearing which had been slowly narrowing my world has, in the last year, been joined by a rapid decline in vision and a much more dramatic reduction in the activities available to me. The first to go was bird-watching.  I would catch a glimpse of an interesting looking shape in the sky but it would disappear as soon as I moved to focus on it. By the time my camera reached its first birthday I could no longer see the screen well enough to use it.

The next to go was driving. I had a last trip in the camper in September but I could not read the road signs so kept to roads I knew well.

The loss I felt most keenly was the printed page. Newspapers were the first casualties, but I managed to plough through a book in October before abandoning print. I could still read screens, so kept my brain active with the internet,  ebooks and online news.

Then in November I began to record my "cataract blog". I will update it and sign off after the operations.


24 November 2013
It is now just over a year since I had my eyes tested and got new distance glasses. The optician did not diagnose cataract. It was not until February and my first trial trip in the camper that I became aware of a mistiness while driving. I began to suspect something else was wrong and did some internet research. Cataract seemed to fit and Mark the doctor confirmed it on the 12th of April this year. "No need to do anything now" he said."For most people it takes a long time to become a problem, but in some it develops quite quickly."

I soldiered on, but I was becoming more and more aware of a problem and came to the concusion that I was one of the unlucky ones. In late May I saw the optician and began the long process of getting treatment on the NHS. The first stage is an appointment to see a specialist, and there is a 4 month waiting list for this.

While I was waiting, I saw the ENT specialist who confirmed that there was nothing more they could do for my deafness, but he did agree to write to the Opthalmology department to confirm that I had severe hearing loss.

By September it was obvious that I could not continue driving, and I was having increasing difficulty reading normal size type. I could no longer watch birds, or take photographs. Life was closing in.

I saw the specialist on the 7th of October. The nurse who tested my sight was surprised how good it was, but the specialist realised that because the cataract on my right eye covered the centre of the eye, in bright light my vision was seriously impaired. She fully understood about how much sight affects the ability of deaf people to communicate and made a case for priority treatment.

I was now at day one on a 6 month waiting list - unless I could get a cancellation or was given priority.


A few weeks later I went to have the eyes measured for their new plastic lenses. I had decided that if I didn't get a better date than April, I would have to go private.  I stressed to the technician that I was really worried that if I could not lipread I would not be able to communicate, and if I could not read then all forms of entertainment and information would be closed to me. She made sure I was on tahe list of people who could be called at short notice if they get any cancellations, and said she would ring admissions and see what was happening.

Good news - I'm scheduled for December!

Bad news - they are running two months late.

That meant worst case was late Feb, I decided I could cope with that and felt a great relief. Why, I asked myself, was I so averse to going private? I had the money - about £2000. Some of it was ideological - the typical leftie dislike of private medicine, but I didn't feel too strongly about that. Then I realised that mjy bad experience with private hearing aid providers was the main reason.

Last week I did my last woodworking job for money - the end of a long run of difficult repair jobs for the Slaters. From now until the op I would only do work for myself so that if I made a mistake the customer wouldn't suffer.

Some days I see really badly and start thinking again about booking a private appointment, but I'm actually coping quite well at present because I am spending a lot of time writing my book and really enjoying it.  I decided that this was partly as a result of other aspects of my life becoming so restricted. When I had better hearing and much better sight there were so many things I could do that I never felt like sitting down for long enough to write seriously.

I'm fairly sure that one of the reasons for my good frame of mind at present is that Mark has prescribed a low-dose anti-depressant as a treatment for my stomach ache - which he calls Irritable Bowel Syndrome, a term which covers all sorts of different intractible problems. I'm not entirely sure it has seen off the IBS, but I do seem to be more optimistic and calm than I used to be. This may be because I am getting more sleep. I now find I can go back to sleep at the time when I would normally have been leaping out of bed - well not leaping exactly, more like levering myself out of bed.

So, I have made this resolution: I am going to wait whatever happens. If I can no longer see my screens to read and write I will spend more time just being - thinking, walking, cycling, doing exercises. I can continue writing by dictation. It will be very good for me to learn how to exist without constant information input.

8 December
I've stopped writing the book. Most of the anomalies and omissions have been dealt with and it's long enough. At first I felt elated - "I've finished a book!" but the next day depression set in. It was all rubbish and would make me look silly. I had a couple of bad days trying to read the computer screen.

Last week Thelma rang the admissions people and they said it had been postponed and would not now happen before March.

I decided to go private.

All this stuff about "just being" is all very well on a good day, but we've both had colds for a fortnight, and I'm feeling a great sense of anti-climax now that so much of my time is no longer spent writing.

29 December
I get waves of panic when there is a step change. Yesterday was bad - total blur-out in the right eye and left not much better. For the first time I struggled to read the white on black type on my phone. Then I remembered I could increase the font size again and it was better. Today I couldn't read my diagrams for the next bit or work on the panelling - something I could do 2 weeks ago.

What happens if I can't read at all before I can get the operation done? Even if I still can, for a few days afterwards I will be unable to read.

New strategy: even with three quarters of my hearing gone,  I can still hear after a fashion. And perhaps if I persevere with my bluetooth headphones I will be able to watch videos and even perhaps listen to music.

Help came from an unlikely quarter - my much derided laptop is now gaining in my estimation. I tried a few film trailers but the sound was too quiet. Then I realised I hadn't turned up the volume on the headphones themselves. Try this music application. It is an internet radio app and is asking me to suggest an artist, and it will find other similar music. I type in "Sting" and here is Joan Armitrading singing loud and clear. I try Massive Attack and get one of theirs I'd not heard. Really good sound!

19 Jan 2013
I'm now counting down the days. Two weeks ago we finally managed to get some sense out of the private hospital near Carmarthen, but the best they could offer was mid February. I decided to give up on Wales and look to the nearest bit of England. Google soon came up with Optical Express in Bristol, and as I was typing in details to get an appointment a "live chat" option popped up. Within about 20 minutes I had got a price guide and an indication of availability, and a few minutes later had booked an appointment for the next day!

Thelma and I did the familiar trip to Bristol. The clinic was in the new Carbot Centre so for the first time we parked in the multi-storey linked to the shopping centre by an overhead walkway.

The appointment took several hours. At the end of it I was offered one eye for just under 2k but both for 3, and the promise that the second could be done a week after the first. They had put some strong drops in my eyes so that they could see through the cataracts better, and when I came out of the dark room into the main reception hall of the building I was amazed by the strong colours and the light. This altered perception took the edge off my disappointment when it transpired I would have to stop taking my prostate drug "Flomaxtra" for 2 weeks before the first op.

I signed up for 5 appointments beginning on the 23rd, and paid a deposit of £500.
Sitting in the car on the way back I was thrilled by the amount I could see. I could even read my phone screen without reversing the colours. What if the drops had made a lasting improvement? I certainly didn't mind a long wait with this level of sight.

The next day the effect was still there, but on the third day the accustomed mix of gloom and glare returned, seeming to be worse than ever. Since then I've struggled on with the panelling job in the study. It's getting very hard to read a tape now and I've had to give up using Sketchup to model the difficult bits - back to trial and error.

The man who did the eye tests said that the modern cataract operation came about because during the war surgeons had operated on the eyes of air crews injured by shards of perspex from shattered aircraft windows. They noticed that the eyes did not react to bits of perspex embedded in them. From that came the plastic lens and more recently the technique of using ultrasound to remove the clouded natural lens.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what sort of technology would be available in a sustainable society, and it seems to me that this is a perfect example of a technology which does not depend on fossil fuel - it is simple the result of an increase in knowledge. How much of this knowledge would we have now if we had not exploited fossil fuel? If for example human society had developed with a powerful taboo on using something which cannot be replaced, would we have seen the exponential growth in knowledge which we have seen in the last 100 years or so? It seems one of our distant ancestors lived for thousands of years with the same stone-chipping technology. It seems probable that our brains have changed sufficiently in the last 2 thousand years to prevent this happening in the future.